I can feel a full-blown anxiety attack coming on. It starts with a mild anxiety over something, which lingers for a day or two, interrupting my sleep patterns. Then, when those are good and messed with, suddenly everything else makes me anxious. I relive every awkward thing I’ve done, moment I’ve had, or situation I’ve been in, starting the present and working my way back.
“Oh god, that was awful, this is awful,” is my running mantra.
Due to sleep deprivation, a churning and burning stomach, and now a tightness in my chest because I still haven’t been able to get over that one thing that happened in 3rd grade that one time, I feel like shit. I get hyper, but irritable, my temper is short, and I’m distracted, can’t focus, I lose my train of thought. I get defensive and my worry over every little thing I do, say, even my very existence compounds until I start thinking about how things would be better if I just didn’t exist at all. People could be like, “you know, that Haley girl was weird, at least I don’t have to deal with her any more,” if I were dead. These aren’t suicidal thoughts by any means, just the irrational thoughts of someone who is gearing up for a full blown anxiety attack.
Then it hits and I can’t function. I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything because the second I try my thoughts start screaming, “why are you doing this? you’re doing it wrong! people think you’re stupid! you’re just going to fuck it up anyway! just go away, go away, go away.”
I have to wait for it to pass. The lead up can take days, but usually the worst of the attack only lasts a day. Because by that point I’m so exhausted from a week of not sleeping and my brain in overdrive that I just shut down. I shut down and sleep for 12 hours straight, or I curl up in a little ball in the middle of my bed and just lay there.
And then, like someone flipped a light switch, it’s gone. The anxiety is gone. Thoughts that started a cold sweat 24 hours before, that made my chest hurt, and my finger tingle to the point that I wondered if I was having a heart attack don’t bother me one bit. I’m kinda numb and out of it for a day or two as everything resets. ”Did you try turning it off and turning it back on again?” I tell my brain wryly, because that’s exactly what happened.
Valium helps. But I got my prescription for back pain and can’t easily refill it, so I save it for the worst times. Usually a double-dose of benadryl to force me to sleep does the trick. Today, I’m at home with the animals curled up around me. They’re all snoring, except the cat, he’s purring. I’m going to do some work so I quit feeling guilty about calling in sick today. Then I’m going to take a valium and go to bed and hope that somehow that resets my brain and this attack will end. Tomorrow I ride, and that usually helps too.
This post was reblogged from Think Progress.
This post was reblogged from Today's Document.
Juggling the personal with the political isn’t easy in a biased society. We are, even the most diligent of us, influenced by gender, race, and other identities. And we make personal and professional decisions based on a variety of needs and pressures. Judging each other without acknowledging these influences is uncharitable at best and dishonest at worst. A tiny top and a traditional marriage should not be enough to strip a woman otherwise committed to gender equality of the feminist mantle. If we all had pundits assessing our actions against a feminist litmus test, I reckon not even Gloria Steinem and bell hooks would pass muster. Women must be allowed their humanity and complexity. Even self-proclaimed feminists. Even Queen Beys.
— Tamara Winfrey Harris, “All Hail the Queen?” (via la-animaux)
This post was reblogged from Why not, she said..
I told my assistant that I had some edits on a pdf she made. So I left comments in the google doc using the full original text of the sentences I wanted changed and the full edited text, even if I was just changing one word.
She wrote me back an email that said, “you need to be more specific.”
This post was reblogged from Radially Symmetrical.
This post was reblogged from the quiet chaos driving me mad.
I finally caved and tried watching “Elementary.” Wow, serious mistake on my part.
How are you going to pretend you’re preserving the integrity of the canon when you make Clyde, the famous SEA TURTLE of the ACD stories, into a BOX TORTOISE?
Is anyone seriously pretending they didn’t do it just to pander to the thalassophobic masses?
ugh, I’m disgusted.
plus the leads are too hot. NEVER AGAIN. Fuck you, America
best review ever
This post was reblogged from lavvyan.
People who feed dogs vegan diets are animal abusers.
This post was reblogged from Radially Symmetrical.
Yes, false rape accusations happen. Run the protocol anyway. I’ve heard that perhaps the military has the highest number of ‘em. True or not, RUN THE PROTOCOL ANYWAY. Because in 15 years of investigating rape accusations, I can count those that panned out as false on one hand. Meanwhile, the one time I almost skipped the protocol, the one time I almost didn’t believe a petty officer, because I was naive as an investigator and a young woman, because her commanding officer described her as “a party girl, always late, always out drinking, don’t bother with this one”, she turned out to be the victim of one of the most brutal assaults I’ve ever investigated. She shouldn’t have still been -alive-, let alone up and making the accusation. So let me repeat: five false accounts in fifteen years. And one time I almost failed a woman ‘cause of the bullshit way it’s normal to talk about us. Take your shipmates’ word, and then run the protocol. Every. Single. Time.
— - JAG lawyer, speaking to my husband’s plant during Sexual Assault Prevention Month. (via circusbones)